What's that? I'm fired for bringing a four-inch knife into work? Well I'm going to go make myself a sandwich!
Click here to read.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
The Best Recipe Site in the World
I love food. I love cursing. I hate beating around the bush. Here's a website that placates all three of these interests and disinterests:
Men Have Sensitive Parts
Top five things that [Redacted] Guy from Lemondrop likes in his porn but not in his bedroom. Hilarious stuff.My favorite excerpt:
"And, yes, some of us love it in porn when the woman sort of berates the dude and belittles him. ("That all you got?" Ha ha, you tell him, Lisa Ann!) But in real life, if a woman were to ask me if that's all I've got, I'd probably reply, "Why yes!" and then be all sad."
Mr. Guy also stresses that his testicles are not "oversized novelty dice," though strangely the phrase links to a jar of bears made from bellybutton lint.
Where to Pee
Who knew men's restrooms were so stressful? This diagram has fifteen rows of possible peeing scenarios! Why don't they just build stalls for you people? I can't even imagine what it would be like to crouch down next to a fellow female and have to deal with this kind of awkwardness.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I'm Buying a Castle
My boyfriend doesn't know it yet, but we're buying a French castle for less than a million bucks.
See this list of "7 Real Medieval Castles You Can Buy Today" - they're cheaper than that fancy house in Brentwood. And we'd know, we've been pouring over real estate ads for months, drooling over our dream homes.
See this list of "7 Real Medieval Castles You Can Buy Today" - they're cheaper than that fancy house in Brentwood. And we'd know, we've been pouring over real estate ads for months, drooling over our dream homes.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Marylin Monroe's Writing to be Released
According to EW.com, "Farrar, Straus and Giroux has announced that they plan to release a collection of Marilyn Monroe’s own writings. Fragments will include poems, correspondence, rare photos, as well as reproductions of documents handwritten by the blond bombshell herself. It is set to hit bookstores this fall."
After reading Joyce Carol Oates's novel Blonde based on Marylin Monroe's life, I would love a chance to delve into the actress's mind some more. She was so much more than the pin-up icon the world remembers today!
Hopefully a movie (a good movie) is forthcoming. May I suggest Christina Hendricks for the role? If she's willing to dye her hair, that is.
After reading Joyce Carol Oates's novel Blonde based on Marylin Monroe's life, I would love a chance to delve into the actress's mind some more. She was so much more than the pin-up icon the world remembers today!
Hopefully a movie (a good movie) is forthcoming. May I suggest Christina Hendricks for the role? If she's willing to dye her hair, that is.
Thorny Trees
This is the kind of tree your cranky old neighbor wants, to keep little kids off his property.
Message in a Bottle
It's 1977. You're a 14 year old on a fishing boat with your buddies. You decide to put a message in a bottle and throw it out to sea, imagining the great adventures this bottle will go through and the possibility that one day, a stranger will find it. Will find you, too!
Cue the Disappointment Music, because this stranger found this guy's message in a bottle after 33 years, and decided to contact him via...Facebook.
Granted, the address he provided in the bottle is probably not a current one, but the wonder and amazement just got seriously diminished by the electronic era. Sure, the fact that he actually got a response is pretty awesome, but come on! Getting a hand-written letter after 33 years versus an impersonal "Friend Request" cannot even be compared. Call me old-fashioned, but my inner child does not know about Facebook yet, and I don't want to tell her.
The Internets
(Click Picture to Enlarge)This reminds me of that IT Crowd episode where Roy and Moss give Jen what they convince her is The Internet, direct from Big Ben with a blessing from the "elders of the internet."
Source
Source
Don't You Feel Old Now?
Make any website look like a primitive 90's creation with the Geocities-izer! This must be the only thing that can make a 25 year old feel old. That, and the late Crystal Pepsi. Ah yes, it was the tail end of Van Halen being cool and Guns N' Roses still being associated with Slash instead of a bucket of chicken and cornrows. Why, Axl, why?
Monday, April 26, 2010
Bird Racism
(Click photo for source)The Hollywood Sign Lives!
Hugh Hefner came to the rescue of the HOLLYWOOD sign, rounding out the campaign to raise funds for the historic landmark. Because he knows all about Hollywood dreams - girls go to his mansion to find them all the time. And what's $900K to him? He has a yearly stipend for boob jobs!
Please Vote for Cheburashka!
A few days ago, I posted a video of Cheburashka and the Blunt, the English version. We are now in the running to win a spot on the Funny or Die homepage!
Please please go vote for it on Facebook here.
Thank you :D
Please please go vote for it on Facebook here.
Thank you :D
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Jesus is Hungarian
Hungarian Jesus on Google Maps.
I, for one, don't see Jesus. Call me a major heathen, but I see a girl with her palms against the shower door while, ya know...
Because come on, people, Jesus is not counting on you looking at Google Maps to find him. Isn't he supposed to be in your heart or whatever? Now, Jesus in toast - that I can believe.
I, for one, don't see Jesus. Call me a major heathen, but I see a girl with her palms against the shower door while, ya know...
Because come on, people, Jesus is not counting on you looking at Google Maps to find him. Isn't he supposed to be in your heart or whatever? Now, Jesus in toast - that I can believe.
25 Funniest Album Covers Ever Made
A few of these are made by my people, including a very famous Russian singer named Alla Pugatjova.
But I'm happy to say, this one (though not the sickest) takes the cake:
I can only surmise that "a Walmart girl" is like their version of a girl-next-door. And they are the Walmart version of Kiss.
But I'm happy to say, this one (though not the sickest) takes the cake:
I can only surmise that "a Walmart girl" is like their version of a girl-next-door. And they are the Walmart version of Kiss.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Times Square Circa Porno Age
Great photos from the 80's showcasing the lusty capital of New York: Times Square. You know, before it was the capital of fanny packs and people who stand in the middle of the street and look up while a hundred others try to pass them.
The Jesus "said you must be born again" lady did a pretty good job of cleaning up: lust has been replaced with gaudiness and tackiness. And tourists.
Then...
And now...
We're real classy now, see. We got naked dudes.
The Jesus "said you must be born again" lady did a pretty good job of cleaning up: lust has been replaced with gaudiness and tackiness. And tourists.
Then...
And now...We're real classy now, see. We got naked dudes.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Sharon Osbourne Gifting Her Implants to Ozzy
She's not getting implants - she's literally giving them to Ozzy. As paperweights.Sharon Osbourne's boobs. Ozzy. Now you have no choice but to imagine them doing it. Hee hee.
Cheburashka and the Blunt
When I was a wee one in Soviet Russia, I used to watch a cartoon about an androgynous runaway toy named Cheburashka and a crocodile named Gena. I even had a little Cheburashka toy of my own. It was like a cross between a mouse and a monkey, minus the tail.
Of course nothing these days is sacred and so a few years ago I came upon a parody of the classic cartoon centered around Cheburashka getting high. It was hilarious.
I didn't think non-Russian speakers would find it funny, but after showing it to my boyfriend and a friend - and loosely translating it as they watched - we realized this was all kinds of funny to all kinds of people and decided to re-dub it.
So here, after five years, is an English version of "Cheburashka and the Blunt" for your viewing pleasure. Please enjoy and watch through the end.
Example of original cartoon here.
Original parody here.
Voices by Rocco G., Chris O., and yours truly.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Random Interlude
Click here if you're not freaked out by spider-looking things. Definitely click if you're high.
And Now: A Message for Jennifer Love Hewitt
Dear Jennifer Love,
According to this source, your new celebrity crush is Robert Pattinson of Twilight fame. You officially have the same taste in men as a 10 year old girl.
Let me guess, you want Robert/Edward because he's sexually viable, but not sexually threatening. He'll wait for you forever, but he'll remain dangerous enough that you'll still be interested. He stalks you, but he's not needy. He's basically marketed to your childhood self's ideal man. That's the man you still want now, even though you are in your thirties.
Your mama clearly cursed you for life with your middle name, and I can only ascertain from the excerpts of your new book on relationship advice (sorry, I didn't buy it - the internet has offered up the juiciest bits already) that she also gave you unattainable goals in life regarding men. Case in point: you make a monthly trip to the jeweler's to try on your dream engagement ring.
Now, based on how your life has gone so far, I gather that your hopes and dreams regarding your career have gone very well, but the other hopes and dreams regarding real-life Ken have kind of failed miserably. You had a Scottish man in pre-permanent tow, but that didn't work out. Then you let your boyfriend write a chapter in your latest book, but by the time it was actually published you weren't together anymore. To make matters worse, I - a complete stranger - know all of this about you already, and have also seen an extreme closeup of your backside on the cover of a tabloid at the Ralph's check-out line.
It's hard being a woman nowadays, and I'm sure it's about a thousand times harder being a woman in Hollywood. Everyone knows who you're sleeping with and exactly how much cellulite you have. You can't keep any secrets to yourself, and I - a complete stranger - have the right to weigh in on your personal business.
But see, you came out with a relationship advice book, and I find it hard to ignore bad advice when it makes sweeping generalizations about women. "Advice" coming from someone who gives public ultimatums to her boyfriend about getting married within a year isn't really advice. It's a sadly weaved-together history of disappointments posing as advice. I'm sorry if you were mistreated psychologically by big-butt comments and such, but it doesn't seem like you've learned much from the experience.
For one, if you're still looking for that engagement ring, that's bordering on mental illness. Doing the same thing, expecting different results...ring a bell?
Just buy the damn thing. Put it on your hand. I know you've owned one before - the one you got from that Scottish dude - but do it for yourself this time, as a single girl. Just wear it, stare at it, see if it changes anything. It's just a diamond. It doesn't represent love. And it doesn't necessarily represent romance. Serial dating doesn't represent love either.
It's okay to want nice things and romantic gestures, but it doesn't seem like you know how to love yourself all that much, unless you include all that "vajazzling" that you do post-breakups. Your vagina doesn't want to be decorated. It wants to be loved. Be it by you, by a dude, whatever.
But woman, get a hold of yourself! The dreamy bordering-on-gay-vampire-with-messy-hair is not going to climb through your window with a coat and save you from yourself. (You live in Los Angeles, by the way. You don't need a goddamn coat.) If you want a good, loving person to date, don't look for attributes such as "knows how to pick out a diamond." I mean, by those standards, you oughta be dating a black market thief. Are you okay with that? As long as he's romantic and handsome and pays for your dinner?
And think about this: your advice for women who have just broken up with their boyfriends is to go out and make out with a good-looking dude. So you get wounded by a man and then you turn around and immediately go to find solace in another one. Is that how it works in your world, where everything revolves around dudes?
You're a successful actress with a career spanning more than a decade. You star in a hit TV show. You're really pretty, and I covet your boobs. So stop letting your middle name ruin your outlook on life, and go find some intelligent women to talk to. Ones who don't feel like spray tans are "a must." Life isn't about constantly keeping up appearances. That's just exhausting.
Love is right around the corner, as Gloria on "Modern Family" says. So stop circling the block and enjoy the walk!
Sincerely,
B.A.
According to this source, your new celebrity crush is Robert Pattinson of Twilight fame. You officially have the same taste in men as a 10 year old girl.
Let me guess, you want Robert/Edward because he's sexually viable, but not sexually threatening. He'll wait for you forever, but he'll remain dangerous enough that you'll still be interested. He stalks you, but he's not needy. He's basically marketed to your childhood self's ideal man. That's the man you still want now, even though you are in your thirties.
Your mama clearly cursed you for life with your middle name, and I can only ascertain from the excerpts of your new book on relationship advice (sorry, I didn't buy it - the internet has offered up the juiciest bits already) that she also gave you unattainable goals in life regarding men. Case in point: you make a monthly trip to the jeweler's to try on your dream engagement ring.
Now, based on how your life has gone so far, I gather that your hopes and dreams regarding your career have gone very well, but the other hopes and dreams regarding real-life Ken have kind of failed miserably. You had a Scottish man in pre-permanent tow, but that didn't work out. Then you let your boyfriend write a chapter in your latest book, but by the time it was actually published you weren't together anymore. To make matters worse, I - a complete stranger - know all of this about you already, and have also seen an extreme closeup of your backside on the cover of a tabloid at the Ralph's check-out line.
It's hard being a woman nowadays, and I'm sure it's about a thousand times harder being a woman in Hollywood. Everyone knows who you're sleeping with and exactly how much cellulite you have. You can't keep any secrets to yourself, and I - a complete stranger - have the right to weigh in on your personal business.
But see, you came out with a relationship advice book, and I find it hard to ignore bad advice when it makes sweeping generalizations about women. "Advice" coming from someone who gives public ultimatums to her boyfriend about getting married within a year isn't really advice. It's a sadly weaved-together history of disappointments posing as advice. I'm sorry if you were mistreated psychologically by big-butt comments and such, but it doesn't seem like you've learned much from the experience.
For one, if you're still looking for that engagement ring, that's bordering on mental illness. Doing the same thing, expecting different results...ring a bell?
Just buy the damn thing. Put it on your hand. I know you've owned one before - the one you got from that Scottish dude - but do it for yourself this time, as a single girl. Just wear it, stare at it, see if it changes anything. It's just a diamond. It doesn't represent love. And it doesn't necessarily represent romance. Serial dating doesn't represent love either.
It's okay to want nice things and romantic gestures, but it doesn't seem like you know how to love yourself all that much, unless you include all that "vajazzling" that you do post-breakups. Your vagina doesn't want to be decorated. It wants to be loved. Be it by you, by a dude, whatever.
But woman, get a hold of yourself! The dreamy bordering-on-gay-vampire-with-messy-hair is not going to climb through your window with a coat and save you from yourself. (You live in Los Angeles, by the way. You don't need a goddamn coat.) If you want a good, loving person to date, don't look for attributes such as "knows how to pick out a diamond." I mean, by those standards, you oughta be dating a black market thief. Are you okay with that? As long as he's romantic and handsome and pays for your dinner?
And think about this: your advice for women who have just broken up with their boyfriends is to go out and make out with a good-looking dude. So you get wounded by a man and then you turn around and immediately go to find solace in another one. Is that how it works in your world, where everything revolves around dudes?
You're a successful actress with a career spanning more than a decade. You star in a hit TV show. You're really pretty, and I covet your boobs. So stop letting your middle name ruin your outlook on life, and go find some intelligent women to talk to. Ones who don't feel like spray tans are "a must." Life isn't about constantly keeping up appearances. That's just exhausting.
Love is right around the corner, as Gloria on "Modern Family" says. So stop circling the block and enjoy the walk!
Sincerely,
B.A.
Gay Character Introduced to Archie Comics
It took them a while (interracial coupling in the comic had to wait until the 21st century!), but gay characters now exist at Riverdale High!
New guy/gay Kevin will be dodging Veronica's advances before she finally realizes he's gay. Maybe he can also use that awkward moment to tell her she's been the same age for a few too many decades.
New guy/gay Kevin will be dodging Veronica's advances before she finally realizes he's gay. Maybe he can also use that awkward moment to tell her she's been the same age for a few too many decades.
Hetero American Women Would Sleep With Zooey Deschanel
Esquire asked: If you are/were a lesbian, which of these women would you most want to sleep with?
And Zooey Deschanel came out the winner.
Although, in my humble hetero female opinion, I would much rather use Zooey for movie nights or shopping for impossibly hipster dresses. She's just way too brainy and cute to seriously confuse my sexuality even for a minute.
Megan Fox, the overrated bombshell of Manland, would probably live up to her reputation just to keep it going. And you know she'd want to be on top.
Beyonce doesn't seem all that fun unless you're into really expensive dinners and sitting in a VIP lounge and not dancing. I'd have to be careful not to ruin her weave.
I don't know who Minka Kelly is, but she's definitely not for doing girls. I mean, look at her - she's the girl on the survey who answered "true" to "True or False: It's okay for a woman to use her sexuality to get a table at a restaurant." I'm not against the concept either, but you know she bats her lashes for pretty much everything.
If these were the options I got, I would just pencil in "ScarJo." She can't act, but she can out-sex any of these twinkies.
And Zooey Deschanel came out the winner.Although, in my humble hetero female opinion, I would much rather use Zooey for movie nights or shopping for impossibly hipster dresses. She's just way too brainy and cute to seriously confuse my sexuality even for a minute.
Megan Fox, the overrated bombshell of Manland, would probably live up to her reputation just to keep it going. And you know she'd want to be on top.
Beyonce doesn't seem all that fun unless you're into really expensive dinners and sitting in a VIP lounge and not dancing. I'd have to be careful not to ruin her weave.
I don't know who Minka Kelly is, but she's definitely not for doing girls. I mean, look at her - she's the girl on the survey who answered "true" to "True or False: It's okay for a woman to use her sexuality to get a table at a restaurant." I'm not against the concept either, but you know she bats her lashes for pretty much everything.
If these were the options I got, I would just pencil in "ScarJo." She can't act, but she can out-sex any of these twinkies.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Drunk/High Dude at Coachella Struggles to Put Flip Flops On
He seems pretty happy, despite his inability to stand up straight. He even takes some time out to flirt with an amused group of girls.
Stunning Photos of Icelandic Volcano
Who's learned to pronounce or spell "Eyjafjallajokull" yet?
http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/04/more_from_eyjafjallajokull.html
http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/04/more_from_eyjafjallajokull.html
Old Hollywood Couples Trivia
Over at ONTD, "lovelylaura23" regularly posts trivia about old Hollywood actors.
Today's edition is old Hollywood couples, including...
...Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, who were married for fifty years.
...Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, who were married for fifty years.Favorite excerpt:
Paul about Joanne's concerns about his race car driving: "Joanne fell out of bed the other night and broke her collarbone. As she lay on the ground, I said to her, 'I'm not going to listen to any more complaining about my racing!' "
Paul about Joanne's concerns about his race car driving: "Joanne fell out of bed the other night and broke her collarbone. As she lay on the ground, I said to her, 'I'm not going to listen to any more complaining about my racing!' "
Monday, April 19, 2010
Mangia, Mangia!
This has been floating around for at least a week, but worth noting for foodies. We have to start something like this in the U.S.
"In Abbateggio, Abruzzo, Nicoletta De Thomasis, left, and her family and friends have outsiders in to try regional specialties through the Home Food program."
"In Abbateggio, Abruzzo, Nicoletta De Thomasis, left, and her family and friends have outsiders in to try regional specialties through the Home Food program."
Words for Rice
(Click on the image to go to freerice.com)
"For each answer you get right, we donate 10 grains of rice to the United Nations World Food Program.
Go there. Learn some new words (unless you already know what "temerarious" means). It's like an antidote to all the "you're" misspellings on Lamebook. And it's for a good cause.
Muppley
Muppley is the name of a dreamt-up dog.
Muppley is also a collection of my favorite internet posts, free of the depressing news that comes daily in your local newspaper. Also free of Lindsay Lohan and Celebrity Co.
Muppley is also a collection of my favorite internet posts, free of the depressing news that comes daily in your local newspaper. Also free of Lindsay Lohan and Celebrity Co.
Thanks goes out to the internet, my dog Buddy Bear, and his adoptive daddy, Rocco.
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