Dear Jennifer Love,
According to this source, your new celebrity crush is Robert Pattinson of Twilight fame. You officially have the same taste in men as a 10 year old girl.
Let me guess, you want Robert/Edward because he's sexually viable, but not sexually threatening. He'll wait for you forever, but he'll remain dangerous enough that you'll still be interested. He stalks you, but he's not needy. He's basically marketed to your childhood self's ideal man. That's the man you still want now, even though you are in your thirties.
Your mama clearly cursed you for life with your middle name, and I can only ascertain from the excerpts of your new book on relationship advice (sorry, I didn't buy it - the internet has offered up the juiciest bits already) that she also gave you unattainable goals in life regarding men. Case in point: you make a monthly trip to the jeweler's to try on your dream engagement ring.
Now, based on how your life has gone so far, I gather that your hopes and dreams regarding your career have gone very well, but the other hopes and dreams regarding real-life Ken have kind of failed miserably. You had a Scottish man in pre-permanent tow, but that didn't work out. Then you let your boyfriend write a chapter in your latest book, but by the time it was actually published you weren't together anymore. To make matters worse, I - a complete stranger - know all of this about you already, and have also seen an extreme closeup of your backside on the cover of a tabloid at the Ralph's check-out line.
It's hard being a woman nowadays, and I'm sure it's about a thousand times harder being a woman in Hollywood. Everyone knows who you're sleeping with and exactly how much cellulite you have. You can't keep any secrets to yourself, and I - a complete stranger - have the right to weigh in on your personal business.
But see, you came out with a relationship advice book, and I find it hard to ignore bad advice when it makes sweeping generalizations about women. "Advice" coming from someone who gives public ultimatums to her boyfriend about getting married within a year isn't really advice. It's a sadly weaved-together history of disappointments posing as advice. I'm sorry if you were mistreated psychologically by big-butt comments and such, but it doesn't seem like you've learned much from the experience.
For one, if you're still looking for that engagement ring, that's bordering on mental illness. Doing the same thing, expecting different results...ring a bell?
Just buy the damn thing. Put it on your hand. I know you've owned one before - the one you got from that Scottish dude - but do it for yourself this time, as a single girl. Just wear it, stare at it, see if it changes anything. It's just a diamond. It doesn't represent love. And it doesn't necessarily represent romance. Serial dating doesn't represent love either.
It's okay to want nice things and romantic gestures, but it doesn't seem like you know how to love yourself all that much, unless you include all that "vajazzling" that you do post-breakups. Your vagina doesn't want to be decorated. It wants to be loved. Be it by you, by a dude, whatever.
But woman, get a hold of yourself! The dreamy bordering-on-gay-vampire-with-messy-hair is not going to climb through your window with a coat and save you from yourself. (You live in Los Angeles, by the way. You don't need a goddamn coat.) If you want a good, loving person to date, don't look for attributes such as "knows how to pick out a diamond." I mean, by those standards, you oughta be dating a black market thief. Are you okay with that? As long as he's romantic and handsome and pays for your dinner?
And think about this: your advice for women who have just broken up with their boyfriends is to go out and make out with a good-looking dude. So you get wounded by a man and then you turn around and immediately go to find solace in another one. Is that how it works in your world, where everything revolves around dudes?
You're a successful actress with a career spanning more than a decade. You star in a hit TV show. You're really pretty, and I covet your boobs. So stop letting your middle name ruin your outlook on life, and go find some intelligent women to talk to. Ones who don't feel like spray tans are "a must." Life isn't about constantly keeping up appearances. That's just exhausting.
Love is right around the corner, as Gloria on "Modern Family" says. So stop circling the block and enjoy the walk!
Sincerely,
B.A.
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